What You Can Do

It is important to look at your own reactions.

1. For example, you may feel helpless and frustrated as you witness someone you care about in pain. You may fear for your own safety. You may be angry with the offender, or even the victim for not having prevented the assault. You may be feeling guilty for not having protected the victim or prevented the assault. You may wish you could be more patient with the survivor's pace of recovery. Whatever you are feeling, it is important to recognize that these are your own reactions to the event - do not make them part of what the survivor needs to deal with. Find others to turn to for your own support (our 24 hour Crisis Line is available to you as well as to the victim), so you will be better able to offer the support the victim needs.
   
   
2. The most practical suggestion is to be non-judgmental and to let the victim know you are willing to listen if they need to talk. However, they may not wish to talk about it. There are many reasons a person may not want to talk. In some cases the survivor may prefer to talk about the assault with someone other than you. If the victim is uncomfortable talking with you, encourage them to speak to someone else, such as a friend, counsellor, or the Sexual Assault Centre Crisis Line (423-4121). Remember the assault has brought up feelings of being powerless. What is most helpful is your encouragement to get support wherever they need it. Making a choice for themselves about when and with whom they want to talk can help them regain a sense of personal control.
   
   
3. It is not appropriate to ask survivors direct questions that may seem callous. To probe into the sexual aspects of the assault may only worsen any problems that person has dealing with it. More useful are questions about how the individual feels now and what bothers them the most. Such questions are not threatening, and allow the survivor to talk about their most immediate concerns.
   
   
4. The assaulted person needs much love and support, especially during the first few days. That support will be different for each person. Physical affection is important to some survivors, and can help break down feelings of loneliness and alienation. Other survivors prefer not to be touched at all for some time. Your best approach is to ask the person what is most comfortable for them and then respect their wishes.

Increasingly male victims of sexual assault are finding the strength to come forward. Males may experience all of the reactions and feelings discussed above. Yet male victims may face additional problems because of misunderstandings in our society. You can help a male victim by giving support and understanding and making clear that you know:

• that the assault was not his fault;
• that the assault happened because of aggression, not homosexuality (if the offender was a man); and
• that feeling violated is a normal and appropriate response whether the offender was a man or a woman. Sexual assault is not sex, no matter who the offender is. It is a crime of power and control.

Sexual Assault: What It Is and Is Not