Recommended Reading
Child
Sexual Abuse Survivors (return
to)
Surviving The Secret
In an attempt to cope with the reality of child sexual abuse, victims develop survival skills. These skills sometimes evolve to a point where they become self-destructive. Many victims of child sexual abuse go from being seen as victims to being identified as problems. They are often labeled according to the symptoms they develop, such as depression or delinquency. These labels deal with characteristics of a particular behaviour not with the origin of the behaviour.
Memory lapses result when a child attempts to block out traumatic events. A seemingly innocent memory may provoke feelings of anxiety or depression. You might feel afraid when you remember being tucked in at night but are unable to pinpoint where that fear comes from. You might remember being in grade one, but not grades two, three or four. There may be a feeling of unease when you think of the gaps in your childhood memories.
When the memories return there may be an accompanying feeling of disbelief. "Did this really happen or is this a product of my own mind?" Recovering the memories is helpful in the healing process. As an adult, you are probably better equipped to deal with the reality of the abuse than when you were a child. Telling yourself to forget it does not make the abuse go away, but it is a very common form of coping.
Often the memories return in the form of flashbacks which are sometimes vague, sometimes clear, frequently terrifying flashes of memories which cause you to experience all of the emotional reactions you experienced at the actual time of the abuse. These flashbacks can happen at any time and be triggered by smells, sights or sounds. It is important to remember that these are common occurrences and you are not going crazy. The sense of going crazy may be experienced by survivors who are unaware of the origin of their flashbacks.
Chemical dependency works in much the same way as forgetting. Drugs and alcohol may be used to block the negative emotions we have been told not to have or express. They help us forget or they make the memory of the abuse less painful by dulling our senses. It is hard to think when you are stoned, and even harder to feel. Prescription drugs can also be used to block emotions. While in some cases the use of prescription drugs is appropriate, in others, they only serve to handle symptoms rather than deal with the root of the problem.
Cutting, burning or scratching are all forms of self-mutilation and are sometimes used to provide a physical outlet for the mental anguish victims feel. We can usually get attention and sympathy for our physical ailments that is not offered when we express our emotional pain. Becoming involved in physically or emotionally abusive relationships can be a re-creation of the past. Eating disorders (under and over eating), parenting problems and confusion or discomfort about sexuality are other symptoms that may have their roots in past abuse.
Sometimes it is hard to see the connection between these behaviours and sexual abuse but if you think about when they started, the reason for them becomes more apparent. Life-long patterns are not something that can be changed in a day. Learning about your self-worth, believing you did not deserve or provoke the abuse, and exploring new outlets for unexpressed emotions takes time. It can result in developing a healthy self-image.
At the Sexual Assault Centre, we use the term survivor to refer to those who have grown and flourished despite being sexually abused as children. We feel it is important to recognize and acknowledge the strength it takes to survive. Becoming a healthy survivor takes a lot of hard work, and it can be painful. One of the first risks you may take is talking about the abuse. It can help, but it is just the beginning of the healing process.
